Just muddy

Turn and face the stranger
Just gonna have to be a different man

– David Bowie

I’m on a mission to release everything from my life that is depressing and fill my life with wonderful things that I love. So far so good.

I’m learning to trust the flow of life and not grasp to whatever I think I want RIGHT NOW. Using my favourite “esoteric techniques” to get rid of the feelings and thoughts behind that heaviness in my chest. That immense sadness triggered by the death of someone I didn’t even know. Those worries about what might happen to the people I love that creep into my head minutes after I wake up. Sudden anger that makes me want to punch my fist through the door (but I don’t do it, because I know my hands well enough, and the door, too).

It’s hard to explain to someone the changes you are going through when you lose, step by step, parts of your old, inauthentic self, uncover the authentic you, and train your mind to calm down so you’re no longer at its mercy. Deep change is actually not a pretty picture, rather a mishmash of emotional turmoil, normal routine life, excitement when you’re daring to do something you’ve always dreamed of doing, and times of calm and an inexplicable feeling of expansion.

I personally feel like I’m changing a lot and like something big and wonderful is coming up. It is as if I am living in a place that has, in spite of being comfortable, become way too small and oppressive for me, and now it’s getting to the point where I’ll either break it open or I will let it crush me back to my old “me”.

What exactly happens when you lose your inauthentic self and go with the flow?

Sometimes, good things just happen to me out of the blue, and I’m just grateful and happy to receive them. Other times, they come to pass inside a jumble of worry, fear and agitation on the one hand, and ease and going with the flow on the other. No matter how you describe the process afterwards, you can’t do it justice because you are always weaving a story that goes from A to B to C out of the chaos that really went on.

Do you remember when I wrote about not knowing how I would take care of myself financially in a few months time, because I was running out of money and had nothing lined up jobwise? Well, that’s taken care of now, and it definitely had to do with the new approach to living I’m practicing.

How did it happen, though? It was a mix of my hearing or reading something random that nudged my thinking in a different direction, feeling spontaneously guided to take a specific action, worrying about whether this was really the right thing to do. Good things happening with ridiculous ease (resulting in my thinking that this must be the right way). Then a roadblock (with a temporary loss of faith, some cursing and lots of worry, then back to trying to surrender and go with the flow). Then, a perfect outcome in some ways, a test of my nerves (or of my potential to grow?) in others. And my financial worries taken care of. Big sigh of relief (and a look of confusion on my face)!

I do feel like I am sometimes, nudged, sometimes shoved, sometimes dragged in a certain direction, according to a very (ahem) OPAQUE plan that I have no say in – so much so that it feels rather pointless to try and control anything. But I keep trying to control things anyway, because that’s what I’ve been doing all my life and it’s not a habit easily shaken.

This is a tiny glimpse of what it really feels and looks like to go with the flow when you don’t have complete trust in the process, but many demons sitting in your head, making your mind into a war zone sometimes. I daresay that this describes 98 % of humanity, so don’t feel bad because your life doesn’t go as smoothly as a (good) movie script or all those success stories you are bombarded with day in, day out. The real stories would take too long to tell, and they don’t sell. (Hey, that rhymes! I better go now so I don’t write any more overly simplistic poetry…)

Ok, thanks for reading and bye!


P.S. Thank you to Marianne Cantwell who inspired me to write this with a recent FB update of hers. :)

Photo credit: “Just Muddy” by micadew. CC license: CC BY-SA 2.0. No changes were made to the photo.

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