Tag Archives: change and trusting the flow

Deep change feels like taking a swim in a sewage plant, and that’s okay.

Just muddy

Turn and face the stranger
Just gonna have to be a different man

- David Bowie

I’m on a mission to release everything from my life that is depressing and fill my life with wonderful things that I love. So far so good.

I’m learning to trust the flow of life and not grasp to whatever I think I want RIGHT NOW. Using my favourite “esoteric techniques” to get rid of the feelings and thoughts behind that heaviness in my chest. That immense sadness triggered by the death of someone I didn’t even know. Those worries about what might happen to the people I love that creep into my head minutes after I wake up. Sudden anger that makes me want to punch my fist through the door (but I don’t do it, because I know my hands well enough, and the door, too).

It’s hard to explain to someone the changes you are going through when you lose, step by step, parts of your old, inauthentic self, uncover the authentic you, and train your mind to calm down so you’re no longer at its mercy. Deep change is actually not a pretty picture, rather a mishmash of emotional turmoil, normal routine life, excitement when you’re daring to do something you’ve always dreamed of doing, and times of calm and an inexplicable feeling of expansion.

I personally feel like I’m changing a lot and like something big and wonderful is coming up. It is as if I am living in a place that has, in spite of being comfortable, become way too small and oppressive for me, and now it’s getting to the point where I’ll either break it open or I will let it crush me back to my old “me”.

What exactly happens when you lose your inauthentic self and go with the flow?

Sometimes, good things just happen to me out of the blue, and I’m just grateful and happy to receive them. Other times, they come to pass inside a jumble of worry, fear and agitation on the one hand, and ease and going with the flow on the other. No matter how you describe the process afterwards, you can’t do it justice because you are always weaving a story that goes from A to B to C out of the chaos that really went on.

Do you remember when I wrote about not knowing how I would take care of myself financially in a few months time, because I was running out of money and had nothing lined up jobwise? Well, that’s taken care of now, and it definitely had to do with the new approach to living I’m practicing.

How did it happen, though? It was a mix of my hearing or reading something random that nudged my thinking in a different direction, feeling spontaneously guided to take a specific action, worrying about whether this was really the right thing to do. Good things happening with ridiculous ease (resulting in my thinking that this must be the right way). Then a roadblock (with a temporary loss of faith, some cursing and lots of worry, then back to trying to surrender and go with the flow). Then, a perfect outcome in some ways, a test of my nerves (or of my potential to grow?) in others. And my financial worries taken care of. Big sigh of relief (and a look of confusion on my face)!

I do feel like I am sometimes, nudged, sometimes shoved, sometimes dragged in a certain direction, according to a very (ahem) OPAQUE plan that I have no say in – so much so that it feels rather pointless to try and control anything. But I keep trying to control things anyway, because that’s what I’ve been doing all my life and it’s not a habit easily shaken.

This is a tiny glimpse of what it really feels and looks like to go with the flow when you don’t have complete trust in the process, but many demons sitting in your head, making your mind into a war zone sometimes. I daresay that this describes 98 % of humanity, so don’t feel bad because your life doesn’t go as smoothly as a (good) movie script or all those success stories you are bombarded with day in, day out. The real stories would take too long to tell, and they don’t sell. (Hey, that rhymes! I better go now so I don’t write any more overly simplistic poetry…)

Ok, thanks for reading and bye!


P.S. Thank you to Marianne Cantwell who inspired me to write this with a recent FB update of hers. :)

Photo credit: “Just Muddy” by micadew. CC license: CC BY-SA 2.0. No changes were made to the photo.

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When working your ass off gets you nowhere, follow your intuition.

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in two worlds at once.

World # 1 is the one that is officially and by most people considered to be „the real world“: the world of reason and plans; the world where you get what you want by changing something in the external, material realm; the world of to-do lists, appointments and deadlines.

World # 2 is the one where I somehow just know with my whole being (physical and emotional) whether someone or something is right or wrong for me; where I can rely on this gut feeling; the world of feeling connected to the energy of nature, of people I really like, of the entire universe! This other world also exists when I read a book, watch a dance performance or a movie that feels like it describes me; where I intuitively understand what the artist is trying to express.

I used to rely on world # 1 for the most part: I made plans and tried to get what I want and be successful. I still feel better when I don’t just live mindlessly without giving thought to my future, my wishes and how to fulfill them. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s just that most of the time, everything turned out differently from what I had planned. And in those cases where things DID go according to plan and I got what I wanted, I felt dissatisfied again soon. Most of my wishes came from my ego, which means they were always kind of boring (they were all about survival, greed and status), wrong for me and not as fulfilling as I’d hoped.

Now I’m in a situation where things aren’t going according to plan – again: My business isn’t developing as fast as I’d hoped and I am far from making a living with it. Within the next months, I have to figure something out that does pay my bills, because I’ll run out of money otherwise. A while ago, I would have been extremely worried, frantically researching the best ways to make more money, improve my marketing etc. for hours each day.

Yet, I still don’t have a plan B, and to my surprise, I’m not panicking (not too often, anyway).

Since I’m anchored in world # 2 more and more, I often feel calm. I don’t believe that I should have made more of an effort and that it’s all my fault, because I really put a lot of work into this business. Even MORE work, work, work can’t be a solution! Somehow, I feel like there is a plan, everything will arrive at the right time, and it’s all going to be alright. Am I crazy? I do sometimes wonder when I’m back in panic-mode.

Then I remember that all the fear, worry and compulsive doing, fixing and strategizing have NEVER, EVER worked for me.

I just don’t feel like doing this anymore. This time, I’ll try a different way.

I’m not talking about doing nothing and waiting for lots of money to just show up, but rather doing what I feel pulled towards. My gut feeling has been guiding me surprisingly well recently and I’m relying on it more and more.

Will this work? We’ll see.

I should probably close this post with an insight or a good piece of advice, but I have neither.

However, I’d like to know if all of this sounds crazy to you, or if you know what I mean.
Do you also feel like you live in two worlds at the same time? Are you also fed up with driving yourself crazy with endless worry and compulsive activity (which is common in world #1) and ready to try following your inner voice instead (experimenting with living in world #2)? Please comment below! :)

Thank you,


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